Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
im calling her cock vulture from now on
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
