I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
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