Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
