It's a beautiful day for a hangover
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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