She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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