You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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