I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
