I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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