I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
