Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
