we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
