so explain again why im purple
no
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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