we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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