First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
