True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
