# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
