I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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