I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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