I think my vagina is haunted
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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