The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
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