We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
