see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
