Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
