Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
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