She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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