No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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