Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
then he tried to convert me to islam
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
