I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
