I wish I could punch you in the face.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
