Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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