Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
