I hate all girls vehemently.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
