so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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