You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
