did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
