Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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