Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I am mentally ready for anal.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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