so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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