That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
