i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
