is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
