I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
