I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
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