BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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