May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
