just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
How's work?
Spinning.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
