you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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