I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
