I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Can you bring me the toilet please
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
