There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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